i don't like me...

i can't sleep...i've been up sinces 3: 30am and tried to sleep until 4am, nothing.

just kept thinking about life.

who am i?

what am i?

why am i?

and i kept thinking about a message i'd written someone on facebook, and wondered if they'd answered it..had to check.

for some reason, i'm sad.

i don't know why.

i don't know if it's discontentment or what.

i mean, i should be happy. i am healthy, (well i still have 10 lbs of baby/winter weight to lose) but i am healthy, i have a great husband, and two great little girls, a house over my head, food to eat, money to spend, a God who loves me and gave his Son for me...but what's wrong?

i want more.

what is this "more" i'm looking for?

anyway my restlessness took me to where i usually go when i'm bored, facebook stalking or now, blog stalking.

I love looking at people's blogs, looking into their lives reading about their days, struggles, joys, books they are reading, what they are having for dinner....so much personality comes through on a person's blog.

i don't understand how people find time to blog. i guess it happens when ever...like now at 6 am while the birds are chirping and it's getting light out and i can hear my husband getting up and using the bathroom...i wonder what he thinks i'm doing????

man, the kids will be up soon, what am i doing?

i've been confused about life lately. frustrated with life. i've been caught between living and waiting to live....it's like i'm living but i'm also saying a lot..."when this happens, then i'll do this..."

like in a few years, i'll paint the kitchen the color i want, or one day i'll start letting my nails grow out or start shopping at whole foods, or try to put a cute wardrobe together, or i'll finish the girls' baby books, or i'll try and talk my husband into getting hardwood floors...

i don't know, then i think, "does any of this really matter? is the color of my kitchen going to affect eternity? why spend the money and waste the time?????

is it a waste of time to have cute clothes, or work on craft projects. there is so much i want to do, to read, to learn, to write, to paint, to cover with cute craft paper.

but i settle.

but am i settling?

when will i start living?

i want to say today, i want to say now.

but the reality is that i have two little kiddos that i have to take care of, i don't have budget to speak of, i'm tired a lot, i have a house to clean...food to make. there is no time to go to wal-mart and pick out paint colors or michaels and spend money on craft paper....or goodwill to scope out all of the old stuff i could turn into crafty junk.

anyway, i guess i'm saying i want to change, i want to grow, i want to be real, i want to be honest, i want to figure out how to put pictures up on the computer...

i want to like me.

is there something wrong with me???

i don't know, but until i figure it out...i think i'll just check out the salvation army today and subscribe to SIMPLE magazine, even if it is expensive.